Ava Kohen5 months agoI (38F) have been dating my boyfriend (42M) for a little over a year now. We have so much in common, lots to talk about, and get along very well. He’s kind, respectful, and great with my two kids (8F and 10F from my ex). It feels so natural and easy. However, there's one major concern that I’m struggling with. I've been a single mom for 7 years and have had to make ends meet without any child support. I’ve had to hustle to get by, making sacrifices just to stay afloat. I cut corners on everything, from doing haircuts at home to thrifting, eating simple meals to save money, and constantly making sure my kids are taken care of. I knew that my boyfriend came from a wealthy background. Both of his parents were successful, and he has a trust fund along with properties in multiple places. But I recently found out that his “job” is actually more of a hobby. He’s spent years pursuing his passion, which he doesn’t earn any income from, and he’s spent a lot of money doing so. His stepdad, who also has money, believes he’ll burn through it all and end up with nothing. My boyfriend is an only child with an older family, most of whom are in their 70s and 80s. Here’s where I’m struggling. I get that I have my own issues with money and scarcity, and that his finances aren’t my business. I understand that many people would love the opportunity to follow their dreams without worrying about the cost. But as a single mom who’s had to scrape by, it just feels hard to understand. I’ve gone without so many things and lived with the bare minimum for years—new shoes, haircuts, just the basics—and it’s tough to reconcile that with his situation. He’s always so considerate and listens to my concerns, but I feel like he’ll never understand what it’s like to truly need to work for a living. I’ve worked so hard to provide for me and my kids, and it’s frustrating to see him not seem to appreciate how hard it is to make ends meet. He’s highly intelligent, has a college degree, and is employable, but it seems like he just doesn’t want to work because he doesn’t have to. My fear is that if he blows through his money, his family won’t be around to help him out, and I can’t carry that burden for him. I’m just wondering if I’m out of line for thinking that an adult man should have a job and not just rely on his trust fund. Should he take responsibility and get a job if he’s going to blow through his inheritance anyway? I’m trying to figure out if this is an issue I should just let go of or if it’s something worth addressing. Any advice would be appreciated. Response and Advice: Your feelings about your boyfriend’s financial situation are valid, especially given the contrast between his lifestyle and your own experiences. Here are some key things to consider as you work through your thoughts: Understanding Your Own Financial History: It sounds like you’ve had to work extremely hard to provide for yourself and your children, and that experience has shaped your views on money. Your money and scarcity trauma are real, and it’s understandable that you feel uneasy when faced with someone who doesn’t have the same financial struggles. The sacrifices you’ve made for your family are significant, and it makes sense that you would want a partner who shares a similar work ethic and understanding of the value of money. Recognizing the Differences in Background: Your boyfriend’s upbringing and financial circumstances are very different from yours. He comes from a family with resources, and it seems he’s chosen to pursue a career or passion without worrying about financial pressures. While this may seem wasteful from your perspective, it’s important to acknowledge that this lifestyle may feel normal or even natural to him, given his family background. However, this doesn’t mean that you should disregard your own feelings about responsibility and self-sufficiency. Communication is Key: It sounds like your boyfriend is compassionate and listens to your concerns, but you’re struggling with how to address the underlying issues in your relationship. It’s important to have an open and honest conversation with him about how his financial choices make you feel, particularly in terms of how his lifestyle contrasts with your own hard work and sacrifice. You’re not necessarily accusing him of being irresponsible, but you are sharing your concerns about his lack of urgency in securing a stable financial future. Evaluating Long-Term Compatibility: One of the core issues here seems to be a difference in values regarding work, money, and future planning. You are understandably concerned about his lack of desire to earn a living and the potential consequences of him exhausting his financial resources. You should assess whether this is a dealbreaker for you, particularly as someone who has worked hard for everything they have. It might be that you want a partner who is equally motivated to build a stable and sustainable life, both for themselves and for any future you might have together. Potential Red Flags: While it’s normal for people to have different priorities and life paths, there are some red flags in his behavior. If he’s actively avoiding the idea of getting a job and is not concerned about his future, this could indicate a lack of long-term planning or responsibility. If you find that his current attitude doesn’t align with your goals for the future, it’s important to evaluate whether this is something that can be addressed or if it’s a fundamental difference that will be difficult to overcome. Addressing the Future Together: You don’t have to carry the burden of being the primary breadwinner alone, and you’re justified in seeking a partner who can contribute both financially and emotionally. It’s okay to express your concerns and seek reassurance that he is invested in building a future with you. If he is truly committed to your relationship, he should be open to discussing how both of you can create a financially stable and mutually supportive partnership. Ultimately, it’s important to be honest with yourself and with him about what you want and need from this relationship. If you feel that his financial habits are incompatible with your values or long-term goals, you need to have that conversation, even if it’s difficult. Relationships require compromise, but they also require shared values, especially when it comes to something as fundamental as financial responsibility. 195
Ava KohenAva Kohen