Brielle Mariabella5 months ago I'm a 42-year-old man, and my wife is 40. We have five kids, with our youngest being 3. I'm self-employed, and she has always been a stay-at-home mom. Around five years into our marriage, we started having issues about the amount of time I was working and not focusing enough on her. I’ve been trying to make changes since then. But 10 years in, she started threatening divorce if I didn’t make more changes. Here’s the quick version: I have a traumatic brain injury that causes short-term memory issues, which has made me unreliable in certain things. I try really hard to create reminders and systems to stay on track. But this has left her feeling neglected and very resentful. She has difficulty controlling her emotions, often becoming manic—yelling, screaming, cursing, and threatening. I can't handle it anymore; it’s driving me insane. So, I’m stuck—do I divorce and tear the family apart, or deal with co-parenting and continue to face the same emotional chaos? The long version: We have serious communication problems. She tells me what she needs but doesn’t explain how I can meet those needs. For example, she says she wants a connection but never specifies what I can do to foster that connection. I try everything I can think of: showing emotion, telling her I love her, giving her physical affection, helping with the kids, staying involved in her day, showing interest in her hobbies and friends. I suggested marriage counseling, but she refused. So, I’ve been going to therapy on my own and reading books, trying to improve myself. I’ve worked with business consultants, therapists, marriage counselors—any professional who could help me. She also asks for financial stability—she wants us to be debt-free and doesn’t want me taking out loans for equipment in the business, as it scares her. I recently learned that the head injury I had 25 years ago has actually caused my memory issues. I thought it was ADHD, so I built systems and reminders to help me stay on track. But if someone talks to me without direct attention, it’s like it goes in one ear and out the other. This makes me more independent and introverted, and I also have some hearing loss from the injury. Our relationship dynamics are complicated—she’s more anxious, while I tend to be more avoidant. She holds on to everything I’ve ever done wrong, constantly bringing it up and saying we can’t move forward until it’s addressed. I’ve apologized endlessly, discussed our problems over and over, and asked to create a plan for a better future. But she refuses to make a plan, insisting I don’t understand the full impact of my behavior. She also regularly threatens divorce, sometimes multiple times a year. The past year has been especially tough—she’s made violent threats, screamed at me, and repeatedly said how much she hates me and my family. She claims she’s never felt loved in our marriage, but the next day she’s mad that I don’t chase after her and show her affection. She refuses to apologize for her actions, insisting she had the right to react that way because I’ve been emotionally detached. Everyone—including therapists and friends—says I’m emotionally detached, so I’ve been focusing on improving that. Lately, she attacks me emotionally several times a week, saying I’m the problem and need to hire a specialist to fix me. Every time I try to reason with her and suggest we work on communication, learn to negotiate, and address conflict constructively, she loses it. I still love her deeply, and the thought of divorce and splitting up our family is crushing. I know the kids are affected by the toxic dynamic, but she refuses to go to therapy or counseling. I feel stuck—whether I stay married or divorce, co-parenting seems like a nightmare either way. I’m completely at a loss for what to do, and I can’t believe my life has come to this point. Any advice on what I should do?1112
Brielle MariabellaBrielle Mariabella