Morton Rosalind5 months agoMy girlfriend and I, who had been dating for a couple of months, broke up about a week ago. She ended things on New Year's Eve because I wasn’t able to give her the space she needed. I have an anxious attachment style, and we had a fight the week before that was never really resolved. That night, I went out with some friends, and they told me that she hadn’t treated me well and wasn’t good for me. In the heat of the moment, I texted her ex, telling her things like “you were right” (referring to the fact that she had warned me that she would hurt me) and asking how long it took her to get over the breakup, because I was heartbroken. I regret it so much. My ex had told me some stories about her ex being crazy and a bad person, and despite that, I reached out anyway. I was emotional and hurt, but I know that’s no excuse for what I did. Lately, my ex and I have been texting here and there, mostly because there have been some dangerous situations going on (I won’t go into the details for safety reasons), but we’ve both expressed that we still care about each other and want to be okay. Our conversations are starting to feel somewhat normal again. Now, I can’t stop thinking about the possibility of getting back together with her. But I’m also terrified of the idea of her ex finding out about the messages I sent and telling my ex. I feel really guilty and ashamed about reaching out to her ex, and I’m not sure what I should do. If it ever comes up, should I tell my ex that I messaged her ex? What would I even say? I could really use some advice. I don’t know what to do. Response & Advice: It sounds like you’re in a tough emotional place right now, and it’s completely understandable to be overwhelmed with guilt and uncertainty. Here’s some advice to help navigate this situation: Take Responsibility for Your Actions: First and foremost, it’s important to acknowledge that texting your ex’s ex was a mistake. You were in pain, but that doesn’t make it right. Understanding that your actions were not healthy or productive is the first step toward addressing the situation. Evaluate Your Intentions with Your Ex: Before anything else, take a moment to reflect on what you want moving forward with your ex. You’ve mentioned the possibility of getting back together, but are you doing so because you genuinely feel it would be a healthy and happy relationship, or because you’re in a place of emotional vulnerability and uncertainty? Understanding your true feelings can help you make more clear-headed decisions. Consider the Importance of Honesty: If you believe that this situation might come up with your ex (whether through her ex or another way), honesty is the best approach. While it’s natural to feel ashamed, being transparent about your actions will show that you’re taking responsibility. You can frame the conversation by expressing how hurt and confused you were at the time and how you regret reaching out to her ex. Acknowledge your mistake, and let her know that it won’t happen again. However, be prepared for her to be upset, and respect her reaction. Respect Boundaries and Space: It seems like your relationship with your ex was not perfect, and there are unresolved feelings and situations, including the issue of space. Before considering reconciliation, ensure that both of you are emotionally ready and have addressed the issues that led to the breakup in the first place. Sometimes, taking time apart and focusing on self-care and healing can help clarify whether getting back together is the right decision. Think About Your Mental and Emotional Health: It sounds like there’s a lot of emotional turmoil and anxiety in this situation. Take care of your mental health, and try to give yourself some space to process everything without rushing into decisions. Therapy or speaking with a trusted friend could also provide support during this time. What to Do if the Topic Comes Up: If your ex finds out about the messages, be upfront with her. Apologize and express why you acted the way you did. It’s crucial to be genuine in your apology and to reassure her that your intention was never to hurt her. Make sure she knows that you’re committed to being respectful and open with her. Final Thoughts: It’s understandable to feel conflicted in this situation, especially when emotions are running high. However, moving forward with honesty, self-reflection, and a focus on personal growth will help you navigate the situation with more clarity. Whatever happens with your ex, make sure to give yourself the space to heal and grow from this experience. Relationships, whether they continue or end, should be based on mutual respect, trust, and healthy communication. 1118
Morton RosalindMorton Rosalind