Bev Cierra6 months agoAbout 3.5 years ago, my dad went on a work trip and started dating his mistress. My mom eventually figured it out and accused him of cheating in front of my sister and me multiple times, very explicitly. At the time, my dad denied everything, and because my dad had always been my best friend, I believed him. Given how out of control my mom was acting, I didn’t think he was cheating. Six months later, my mom filed for divorce, and then, six more months after that, my sister and I found out that they were actually getting divorced. About a year and a half after the divorce was filed, my dad asked if my sister and I wanted to join him on a fancy vacation with someone he was thinking about dating. My family was still living together at the time, and my parents were in the middle of the divorce. We went on the trip, had a good time, but it raised a lot of red flags. I figured that he had already been dating her for a while, but I still didn't believe he had cheated when he went on that initial business trip that started everything. I thought maybe he began dating her after my mom filed for divorce. After the vacation, my dad started being more open about his girlfriend. He insisted they didn’t start dating until that vacation. However, more and more red flags kept appearing, and one night I overheard my dad talking to his girlfriend on the phone. He mentioned their 3-year anniversary, which, with a little math, made it clear that the anniversary was just about the same time as his business trip. Everything started to add up, and I realized my mom had been right about the trip. I’ve known the truth for about six months now, but I haven’t told anyone—not even my sister. My dad still thinks I believe the story about the vacation. Lately, he told me that he’s engaged to his girlfriend, and I’m going to have to deal with her being part of my life for a long time. I feel conflicted because part of me wants to tell him that I know the truth, but I don’t want to hurt our relationship, especially since he’s still my best friend. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life disappointed in him, but I’m unsure how to handle it. Should I tell him? And how should I do it? Answer: This is an incredibly complicated situation, and it’s understandable that you’re struggling with how to proceed. You’re dealing with the tension between wanting to be honest and not wanting to jeopardize your relationship with your dad, especially since he’s been such an important part of your life. Here are some things to consider as you navigate this: Acknowledge Your Emotions: It's okay to feel conflicted. You care about your dad, but the reality of the situation is making you feel betrayed and confused. It’s completely normal to feel a mix of disappointment, hurt, and even anger. These emotions are valid and deserve space to be processed. Consider What You Need from the Situation: Before deciding if or how to confront your dad, think about what you need moving forward. Are you looking for an apology, an acknowledgment of his actions, or just for him to be honest with you? Do you feel that continuing the relationship as it is, without addressing this truth, will be sustainable for you long-term? Understanding what you need will help guide your decision. Weigh the Consequences: Telling your dad that you know could create significant tension between you two, but withholding that knowledge may also prevent you from fully healing or feeling at peace in your relationship with him. If you value the closeness you have with him, it’s important to weigh whether this conversation will strengthen or hurt your bond. On the other hand, living with this secret may cause emotional strain over time. Timing and Approach: If you do decide to talk to your dad about what you know, approach it in a way that is honest but not overly accusatory. Express your feelings and let him know how the situation has impacted you emotionally. Acknowledge that this is difficult for both of you, but that you need the truth to move forward. His response may not be what you expect, but it’s important that you share how you feel. Prepare for His Reaction: Your dad may be defensive, ashamed, or even dismissive, especially if he’s trying to cover up the truth. He might feel guilty or try to justify his actions. Be prepared for a range of emotions from him, and remember that his reaction is not a reflection of your worth or the validity of your feelings. Support System: This is a heavy situation to handle alone, so consider confiding in someone you trust, like a close friend or therapist. They can help you process your emotions and give you perspective on how to handle the conversation with your dad. Ultimately, the decision is yours, but keep in mind that your emotional health is a priority. If you feel that not addressing the situation is preventing you from moving forward or affecting your relationship with your dad in the long run, it may be worth having that difficult conversation. Whatever you choose, be gentle with yourself and give yourself the space to process these complex feelings. 145
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