Mildred Jerri5 months agoI’m 22, nonbinary (hey/they), and my best friend (bff) is 21, also nonbinary (he/they). We’ve known each other since high school: I was 15 and they were 14. When we first met, we liked each other and tried dating, but we were both dealing with poor mental health, which made it difficult to maintain the relationship. At the start of my junior year, I was hospitalized in a PMIC for long-term treatment. We lost contact because I couldn’t tell them where I was. Throughout my treatment, I thought about them constantly and considered them my closest friend. After I didn’t return to high school, we lost contact for a while. In late 2021, when I was 19 and they were 18, we reconnected. I had developed feelings for them again, but it felt like just a silly crush, and they were in a relationship at the time. Meanwhile, I had moved six hours away to live with relatives after being kicked out of my family’s home. Despite the distance, we became even closer than before. In 2022, they moved in with their girlfriend, which is when some of my feelings started to resurface. They began venting to me about their relationship, and I tried my best to offer unbiased advice. For a while, it worked, but after moving to a new apartment in mid-2023, their relationship became more strained, and I pushed my feelings aside again. Since mid-2023, our daily phone calls have extended from an hour or two to up to 15 hours a day. Much of it is spent in comfortable silence, just enjoying each other’s presence. We say "I love you" at the end of every call and text it before going to sleep. We share interests that his girlfriend won’t even let him talk about. Spending time together feels effortless, and on the rare days when we don’t talk, everything feels dull in comparison. Recently, we decided to move in together—he would leave his girlfriend and move six hours south to live with me. This feels like emotional cheating, but at the same time, I can’t help but wonder if, under different circumstances, he would even like me back. I have doubts about myself because I’m not conventionally attractive, and his girlfriend is slim and beautiful. He liked me back in high school when I wasn’t much lighter, but those doubts still linger. I’ve never felt this strongly about anyone before. It feels like we were meant to be in each other’s lives in some way, and I just can’t shake the feeling that we were always meant to find each other. What I’m really struggling with is how to talk to him about how I’m feeling without giving him the impression that I want a relationship with him or that I want to ruin his current relationship. My mind is so muddled, and I don’t want to lose our connection, whether it’s as close friends or something more. I’m also struggling with how to continue offering him relationship advice without it feeling too heavy or like I’m pushing my feelings onto him. I’ve always been able to talk to him about anything, but this feels too big to share. My friends are getting tired of hearing me talk about him, and I just don’t know what to do. I love him so much, and I don’t want to risk changing anything between us, but I also want to be honest with him since he’s the only person I feel like I can be truly open with. 142
Mildred JerriMildred Jerri