Clara Mansel5 months agoMy husband (35M) and I (30F) are currently in a trial separation. We share one son, and I have two children from a previous relationship. Our son’s birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and I’m unsure what to do about it. To give some context: since right before our son was born, my husband became emotionally unavailable in our marriage and started treating me increasingly badly. We went to couples counseling, but our counselor pointed out that my husband had misunderstood things with me the entire time. Unfortunately, the root issues in our marriage were never really addressed, and things just kept getting worse. Before Christmas, after he spent another night out drinking (this time until 6:30 AM), even though he promised to come home because he wasn’t feeling well, I asked him to leave for some space. He used to be an alcoholic but quit when we met, though he’s expressed regret about it. He got angry when I asked him to leave and insisted that I wasn’t seeing how much he loved me. After the holidays, he moved out, saying he didn’t know who he was anymore. He refuses to see a new couples counselor until he works on personal therapy first, and he’s also insisted that I seek therapy, too, which I’ve been doing until recently due to financial constraints. Throughout this separation, he keeps telling me things in front of the kids, and I have questions about them, but every time I try to talk about it, he accuses me of being manipulative and tells me to stop bringing up our relationship in front of them—despite him dropping bombshells in front of the kids. For example, after he left, he came to visit them and casually said, “I am legally entitled to this house, so I am coming back to stay tonight,” and when he did return, he was cold, quiet, and irritable. Life has been incredibly tense, and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. We’ve talked about possibly getting a divorce. He said he would leave within 4-8 weeks, then changed it to a week, and then to “today.” He said he was “not breaking up with me” when my middle son asked, but then got angry when I asked about it. I’ve asked him to have conversations at a time when the kids are away because I don’t want to expose them to any more of this, but he always has an excuse or agrees and then goes back on his word. I can’t get clarity from him on anything. He calls me manipulative and controlling for asking him for a timeline or discussing custody, even though I’m just trying to figure out the future while we’re living apart. He’s also called me awful names, blamed me for all of our marriage issues, and told me I need professional help (I’ve been in therapy for years, including during our relationship for PTSD from prior domestic abuse). He’s lied to me about his nicotine addiction, and his behavior has only become more selfish and inconsiderate over time. I feel like I’m more of a single parent than a wife. I suspect he might have an avoidant attachment style and that he’s emotionally immature, possibly due to his upbringing in a family where issues were never talked about. He was raised in a “boys don’t cry” environment and only started opening up emotionally when he met me. With all of this happening, our son’s second birthday is approaching, and I’m unsure what to do. The party was already planned, invitations have been sent out, and I’ve bought everything. But the party falls on a day during Passover, and it’s also the day we’d exchange custody. My husband said he hoped we could do it together, but that it’s up to me. I’ve always done separate birthday parties for my other two children with their dad (who is the source of my PTSD), so I’m familiar with how challenging this can be. The way my husband has been treating me—making mean comments, dropping bombshells in front of the kids, and not allowing any space for me to talk through things—makes me feel like celebrating together at the party is a bad idea. He’s been ignoring my texts, only wanting to talk about our son, and nothing else. I’m incredibly hurt and angry with him for how he’s treated me. While I want to make things work for our son’s sake, I’m scared he’ll cause more drama at the party. I don’t want to be stressed during our son’s birthday and I feel that two separate parties would allow me to enjoy the day without the tension. But I also don’t want to seem like I’m making the situation worse. I know it’s ultimately about our son, but he’s so young, and I think he could still have a great time at two parties. I just don’t want to end up not enjoying the day because of the stress about what my husband might do. What should I do?11.4K
Clara ManselClara Mansel