Pearle Femie5 months agoI’m 21 (female) and have been dating my partner for a year and a half. The second half of our relationship has been incredibly challenging. During a bad mushroom trip on my birthday, I ended up confessing that I had thoughts about an ex and a past hookup, both of which happened before we started dating. One was an obsessive crush I went no contact with right before we started, and the other was a bad decision I regret with someone I lost my virginity to. After this, my partner asked me to be transparent with him whenever I had these thoughts, and we’ve even developed our own version of ERP therapy to try and get rid of them, as I think I may have OCD. These thoughts have become constant, and I feel like there’s no end to them. As long as they persist, we can’t resume our relationship in the way it used to be. Up until now, I’ve been floating through life, but now things are incredibly distant between us. I’ve spent the last 5 months obsessing and panicking daily, and my partner is understandably sick of it. Before this, our relationship was very positive, and he always made an effort to move things forward, even though I constantly caused problems. I also developed a bad habit of lying because I thought that if he didn’t know certain things, they couldn’t hurt him. Now, he’s just fed up with me. I love him deeply and can’t imagine my life without him, but I haven’t been showing him the actions that would support our relationship, and instead, I get caught in my freakouts and daily breakup panic. I know I need to get my life together, but I’m not establishing the trust I want to rebuild. I miss the intimacy and feeling wanted. I’m a college dropout, working a part-time job to barely cover rent. This is my first time living alone, and I struggle to ask for help. I’m aware that I’ve been behaving poorly, and it feels like I don’t have a life. I stopped talking to my friends and going out because I get so anxious about leaving the house. I’m always ruminating or in a panic. My partner has made efforts to include me in his life, but I feel like I hold him back from enjoying things because of my anxiety. With everything I have left, I’m asking: what should I do? Answer: It sounds like you’re facing a number of emotional and mental health challenges right now, and it’s admirable that you’re seeking help to address them. Here’s how you can begin to navigate this situation and work toward healing: Focus on Your Mental Health: You’ve mentioned that you’re concerned about OCD and anxiety. The constant ruminating and panic attacks you’re experiencing are exhausting, and they’re understandably affecting your relationship. Seeking professional therapy or counseling could be incredibly beneficial. A therapist can help you better understand your feelings, learn healthy coping mechanisms, and start working through your issues like OCD, anxiety, and trust concerns. This will also help you better manage your reactions and ease the pressure on your relationship. Take Responsibility for Your Actions: You’ve acknowledged that you’ve made mistakes, especially in terms of lying and causing stress for your partner. This self-awareness is a crucial first step. Moving forward, try to be as transparent and open as possible. When you feel overwhelmed with anxiety or ruminating thoughts, work on expressing that in a way that is honest but not overwhelming. It’s important to make space for communication but also to be mindful of how you share it, so it doesn’t keep reinforcing negativity in the relationship. Rebuild Trust Through Action: While words are important, actions speak louder. Your partner is understandably frustrated with the situation, so showing him through consistent actions that you’re working on improving yourself will be key. That might mean taking small steps to handle your anxiety and letting him know that you're trying. Setting boundaries around communication about your thoughts and giving him space to enjoy his life and passions could help reduce the pressure on him. Develop Independence and Self-Care: You mentioned that you’ve stopped engaging with your friends and life outside of your relationship. This can create an unhealthy codependency. Take small steps to reconnect with your social circle, or try engaging in activities that make you feel good about yourself. Self-care is essential, whether it’s getting back to a hobby, making new friends, or simply going outside for a walk. This will also help you build your own confidence and sense of self-worth, which is essential for your well-being and for your relationship. Build Your Life Outside of the Relationship: It’s important not to lose yourself in the relationship, especially when things are challenging. While it’s natural to want your partner’s support, you also need to establish a strong foundation of self-worth and independence. Work on building your life outside of the relationship, whether it’s finding new goals, furthering your education or career, or pursuing hobbies. This will not only benefit your mental health but will also make your relationship stronger, as you both have individual growth that contributes to your connection. Give Your Partner Space and Respect His Needs: If your partner feels overwhelmed, it might be helpful to give him some space to process his own feelings. While you’re going through your struggles, it’s important that you don’t inadvertently drain him. Let him have time for himself to enjoy the things that bring him joy. Respecting his needs will show that you care about him as an individual, not just as your partner. Work Together, But Focus on Yourself: While it’s great that you want to work on your relationship, remember that healing must come from within first. If you focus on improving your mental health, trust, and sense of self, it will have a positive impact on your relationship. Also, be patient with your partner as he may need time to regain trust and navigate the challenges of the past few months.11.3K
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Pearle FemiePearle Femie