Lucinda Joi6 months agoI (19F) have been dating my boyfriend (19M) for four months now. He’s my first love and my first real boyfriend, and he’s the most caring person I’ve ever met. We both lost our virginity to each other, and he’s fought for our relationship as long as we’ve been together. The problem is, over winter break, he found out that he couldn’t afford another semester of college, so his family told him to drop out and focus on something more blue-collar. I’m working three jobs to get by in college, but since he’s been home (about two weeks now), he’s done nothing but play video games. He doesn’t have a driver’s license and is scared to drive. He also has some mental health issues, including depression and a lack of self-worth. He’s better and happier when we’re together, but without me, he seems to give up entirely. He tells me he wants a future with me and to fight for us, but he hasn’t applied for jobs, practiced driving, or even looked at future career options. Instead, he isolates himself, cries, and sleeps a lot. His parents tell him he’s a failure, and instead of proving them wrong, he seems to accept it. He’s afraid about our future and has even brought up breaking up, saying that I deserve better than him. I’m scared, too, but I’ve been fighting for us. I’m looking for careers that he might be interested in and sending them to him. I’m also fighting my parents so I can see him, but it feels like he’s losing himself, and I’m the only one trying to keep us going. I’ve told him that if he isn’t going to put any effort into this, I don’t want to hear it anymore. I told him to wake up tomorrow, call UPS for a job application, and look at some practice driving tests online. That’s all he has to do to start, and the rest will follow. He agreed, but it’s not the first time I’ve heard him agree and then do nothing. Yesterday, he told me that once the college officially removed him from school, he would apply, but now that’s happened, and he still hasn’t taken any action. How do I handle this? Am I being manipulated, or is this just a situation where he needs more support to get his life back on track? Is it worth staying in this relationship, or should I walk away? Answer: It sounds like you're in a really challenging situation, and it's understandable that you're feeling conflicted. Relationships should involve mutual effort, but when one person is struggling with mental health issues like depression and low self-worth, it can become very difficult for them to contribute to the relationship in the way that you might hope. However, you are absolutely right to assess whether your needs are being met, as it's crucial for both partners to grow and support each other. Here are a few important points to consider: 1. Recognizing His Mental Health Challenges You’ve clearly acknowledged that your boyfriend has serious mental health struggles, and these can significantly affect his behavior. Depression can make even small tasks feel overwhelming, and his lack of motivation and isolation are common symptoms. However, while you can support him, it's important to understand that you can’t carry his emotional burden or fix him by yourself. It's important for him to take responsibility for seeking help, such as counseling or therapy, to get the support he needs. 2. Your Own Well-Being While it’s clear that you care deeply about him, your own well-being should never be compromised. You're juggling three jobs and trying to keep your own life on track, and it’s not healthy for you to constantly be the one pushing for him to take action. It’s not manipulative to want him to take responsibility for his own future. Relationships should be reciprocal, and it's okay to expect effort from your partner, not just emotionally but practically as well. 3. Setting Clear Boundaries It’s essential to set boundaries around what you’re willing to accept in the relationship. You’ve already made it clear that if he isn’t putting in effort, you don’t want to hear about his fears for the future, but actions speak louder than words. If he continues to make excuses and refuses to take steps to improve his situation, you need to ask yourself whether you’re okay with being in a relationship where you're the only one putting in the work. 4. Encouraging Change, Not Fixing It’s great that you’re supporting him by sending career ideas and encouraging him to take small steps. But remember, you can’t force him to change. At this point, it might be helpful for him to seek professional help for his depression and to start building his self-worth. You can suggest this to him, but it’s ultimately up to him to take that step. Encouraging him to take responsibility for his actions without you constantly having to motivate him will be key to preserving your own emotional health. 5. The Future of the Relationship It’s clear that you love him, but you also deserve a relationship where both partners are actively contributing to each other’s happiness and growth. You might need to take a step back and evaluate if staying in this relationship is allowing you to grow, or if it’s hindering your own progress. If his lack of effort continues, and he doesn’t take steps to improve his situation, it might be time to reassess whether you’re in a healthy relationship. Final Thoughts: It’s not manipulative to expect effort and growth from your partner, but you also need to protect yourself emotionally. If he is not showing signs of improvement or actively seeking help, you may need to consider whether this relationship is worth staying in, or if it’s time for you to focus on your own future. Have an open conversation with him, express how you’re feeling, and let him know that while you care deeply for him, you cannot continue to support him emotionally if he isn’t willing to take responsibility for his own life. If he’s unwilling to make changes or seek help, you may need to make a tough decision about whether this relationship is serving both of you in the long run. 211.2K
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