Carlyn Kristina6 months agoI’m (25F) in a newer relationship with my boyfriend (24M), and I love him dearly. He treats me better than anyone ever has, and we have similar values, great chemistry, and a solid connection. However, we are in different places in life, and that continues to be a major issue. When I was in college, I was more into the party scene, but now I’ve moved past it and am very focused on my career. My friends are in similar phases—serious relationships, career-focused, and we spend quality time together or go on trips, instead of partying every weekend like we used to. While my boyfriend treats me great and has a good head on his shoulders, he is still in the midst of the party scene. His friends are mostly single, never had serious relationships, and are constantly hooking up with girls. Some of his friends even resent me for pulling him away from their lifestyle, and that frustrates me. I try to meet him where he’s at by going out with him occasionally, and while I want him to enjoy this phase, I also want to be met where I’m at. It’s hard for me to spend time with his friends because they disrespect women and seem immature, and I don’t feel comfortable in that environment. To make matters worse, his friends often bring girls around who are touchy with my boyfriend, and some of them even make comments implying I’m pulling him away. This makes me upset, and I feel like I’m being forced to accept it. My boyfriend is off social media except for Snapchat. However, I’ve expressed frustration about him Snapchatting so many girls, claiming they’re just friends. He argues that if he doesn’t keep in touch with them, he’ll lose contact, but I don’t understand why he needs to Snapchat these girls daily when we’re in a relationship. He makes me feel like I’m being controlling for expressing how I feel. I really like his girl friends and don’t mind him having female friends, but I don’t see why there’s a need for daily Snapchatting. I’m trying to decide if the pros outweigh the cons here. He treats me really well, and I can see a future with him, but I feel like we’re in two different phases of life, and it’s affecting me. He doesn’t seem to get my perspective, and we’re both tired of having the same arguments. He says I’m unappreciative of what he does for me, but I’ve planned date nights, trips, and constantly show my gratitude for everything he does. Am I being unreasonable? If everything else in the relationship is good, should I just wait for him to grow out of this phase on his own? Rewritten Answer/Advice: It sounds like you're in a relationship where you’re genuinely happy with your boyfriend and how he treats you, but the differences in where you both are in life are creating challenges that are tough to navigate. Here are some things to consider: Different Phases of Life: It seems like you're in a much more stable phase of life—career-focused, enjoying deeper relationships, and prioritizing personal growth. Meanwhile, your boyfriend is still in a phase where partying and keeping in touch with a large social circle, including many female friends, seem to be priorities. It’s completely understandable that this contrast is making you feel uncomfortable, especially when it leads to situations where you’re disrespected by his friends or where your boundaries aren’t being respected. The Snapchat Issue: The daily Snapchatting with female friends is definitely a tricky area. While he may see it as innocent or a way to maintain friendships, it's understandable that it would make you uncomfortable. In a committed relationship, it’s important that both partners feel secure and respected, and if this behavior is making you feel disrespected or insecure, it’s worth having an open and honest conversation with him about it. You’re not being unreasonable by setting boundaries around what feels appropriate, and you’re asking for basic transparency and respect in your relationship. Feeling Unsupported in Social Situations: When his friends make comments or act disrespectfully towards you, it adds more stress to the situation. It’s not unreasonable to want to be around people who share your values and who treat you with respect. If you’re consistently feeling uncomfortable around his friends, this is something that needs to be addressed. If he values your relationship, he should be supportive of your boundaries and not expect you to just “tolerate” disrespect. The Relationship Future: If you feel like you're being met where you are at (in terms of your values and life priorities), that’s a great sign, but if he isn’t making any effort to understand where you’re coming from, it could lead to frustration over time. Relationships require compromise, and while it’s important that he enjoys his social life, it’s also crucial that he respects where you’re coming from. If he’s not willing to meet you halfway or acknowledge your needs, it could become an ongoing issue. Assessing the Pros and Cons: It’s clear that you love him and care about the relationship. However, it’s also clear that you’re struggling with how his current lifestyle and behavior make you feel. It’s not just about “him growing out of this phase”—it’s about whether he’s willing to listen to you, take your feelings seriously, and adjust some of his actions to help make the relationship work for both of you. He should understand that your discomfort with his friends’ behavior and his Snapchatting isn’t about controlling him, but about your need for emotional safety, respect, and trust. What You Can Do: Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly: Explain to him how his behaviors (such as Snapchatting other girls and the way his friends treat you) make you feel. It’s important to be direct but also open to hearing his side. But also, set clear boundaries on what’s acceptable in terms of behavior from his side and what you need to feel secure in the relationship. Ask for Mutual Understanding: Talk about how you both can meet in the middle. It’s understandable that he’s still in a phase of life that involves partying, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay in a situation where you’re constantly uncomfortable or feeling disrespected. Evaluate His Willingness to Change: His response to your concerns will reveal a lot about his commitment to the relationship. If he’s willing to listen, compromise, and make efforts to meet you where you’re at, then this relationship has potential. If he brushes off your concerns or continues behaviors that upset you, then you need to ask yourself if this relationship is really serving you. Decide What You’re Willing to Accept: Finally, think about what you’re willing to tolerate in this relationship. No one’s lifestyle is set in stone, but if you feel like you’re constantly compromising your values or comfort for the sake of the relationship, it’s important to reassess if this is the relationship you want. Conclusion: You’re not being unreasonable for wanting respect and understanding in your relationship. You deserve to be treated with kindness and to have your boundaries respected. If the relationship is worth it to both of you, then open, honest communication and mutual compromise are key. If, after those conversations, things don’t improve, you may need to reconsider whether the relationship is truly a good fit long term.1.2K
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