Dianna Jules5 months agoI (23F) started dating a junior in university (23M), and we had great chemistry. I was the giver in the relationship. While he never gave me gifts or flowers, he always gave me his time, undivided attention, and loyalty. Since he's not currently earning, I didn't feel the need to pressure him. However, over time, his behavior shifted, and he started being controlling under the guise of being possessive and wanting to be prioritized. I began distancing myself from my male friends, and sometimes even female friends, to show him that he was my top priority. Eventually, my friends were disappointed and ended our friendships. Then, he started questioning my clothing. I made some changes to dress more modestly for him, though it wasn't anything drastic. After that, I went to a batch party with my classmates, and I tried a fellow colleague's vape. There was nothing between us—no texting or flirting—but since we are classmates, we occasionally had normal, casual conversations. When my partner found out, he aggressively questioned me and threatened to break up with me. I got scared and lied, saying that I hadn’t tried it. Eventually, I couldn’t keep up with the lie and confessed the truth. I deeply regret lying. He now says that his trust is broken and that I breached a boundary by engaging with another guy in any way. He’s been distant and hurt. I apologized profusely, begged him to stay, and bombarded him with calls—everything you can imagine. Eventually, he agreed to stay but made it clear that his commitment was no longer the same. He said he doesn’t owe me anything, but I owe him everything, and that I need to earn his trust back. Now, going out has become an issue. He would question where I was going and why, implying that he didn’t want me to go out at all. As a result, I stopped going out entirely, but this has taken a toll on my mental health. He has access to my WhatsApp, Instagram, and other social media, and I don’t have any contact with other guys. I have no one to talk to anymore. Yesterday, I discovered that he reached out to another girl and chatted with her. He claims it was just a normal conversation, not flirting, but I’m confused. If he sees certain actions as boundaries for me, why doesn’t he respect the same boundaries for himself? His response was that he’s not committed to me and doesn’t owe me anything. This is incredibly hurtful, especially since I’m expected to remain loyal and good to him, despite everything that’s happening. I need advice on what to do next. Advice: It sounds like you are in an unhealthy and emotionally taxing situation. Here are a few key points to consider: Controlling Behavior: A healthy relationship involves mutual respect, trust, and freedom. Your partner’s controlling behavior—demanding you prioritize him over friends, change your style of dress, and even restrict where you go—is not healthy. It may be rooted in insecurity, but it is still damaging. Healthy relationships allow both partners to maintain their individuality and have their own social circles. Emotional Manipulation: From what you’ve shared, your partner seems to be emotionally manipulating you. By telling you that you owe him everything while claiming that he owes you nothing, he’s creating an unequal dynamic where you feel indebted to him. This is not a balanced relationship, and it’s unfair to you. He is also contradicting himself by holding you to strict boundaries while violating those same boundaries himself. Mental Health: You’ve mentioned that staying in and cutting off your friends has negatively impacted your mental health. Your well-being should be a priority. No relationship should make you feel isolated, anxious, or depressed. It’s important to recognize that you need a balance between your relationship and your own mental health. Trust and Boundaries: Trust is essential in any relationship, and right now, it seems that both you and your partner are not trusting each other. If he expects you to maintain certain boundaries (e.g., no contact with other guys), he should also respect similar boundaries when it comes to his interactions with other girls. The fact that he violated this shows a double standard, which can contribute to feelings of unfairness and hurt. Loyalty: Loyalty in a relationship should be based on mutual respect and trust. It should not feel like an obligation or a one-sided expectation. You shouldn’t feel like you have to sacrifice your well-being and happiness to maintain loyalty to someone who is not treating you equally. Suggestions Moving Forward: Open Communication: Have an honest conversation with him about your concerns. Tell him how his behavior is affecting you and that you feel isolated, manipulated, and hurt. See if he’s open to recognizing and changing his controlling actions. Set Boundaries: It’s essential that you set boundaries to protect your mental health and emotional well-being. If he continues to disrespect your boundaries and doesn’t offer the same respect in return, it might be time to reassess whether this relationship is worth continuing. Reflect on the Relationship: Consider whether this relationship is truly fulfilling and healthy for you. It’s crucial to be with someone who respects you, trusts you, and allows you to maintain your sense of self. Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends or a professional counselor about your feelings. Having an external perspective can help you gain clarity and make decisions based on your well-being. You deserve a relationship where you feel valued, respected, and supported. If your partner is unwilling to treat you with kindness and fairness, you may need to consider if this relationship is worth continuing.182
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