Cornell Devin5 months agoI (24M) met her (18F) at a part-time job, and the moment I laid eyes on her, I knew she was the one. It’s strange because she wasn’t even my usual type, but something about her just drew me in. Now, I’m about to be 32 and she’ll be 26 this year. She broke up with me about 8 months ago, but we still talk or text nearly every day since the breakup. We were each other’s first real relationships. We were engaged, but we never made it to marriage. We never had children, and there are no financial ties between us. We don’t really owe anything to each other, yet we can’t seem to go a few days without talking. I know why I still want to talk to her—I’m still deeply in love with her. I still want a relationship with her. I still want to marry her. She’s still the love of my life. What I don’t understand is why she still talks to me when she says she’s not in love with me anymore. She says she wants to be single and focus on her medical career. She mentioned that there are so many other women out there and that I’ll find someone just like her. I was a functioning alcoholic throughout our relationship. She knew about it, but I was always responsible—worked hard, paid my bills, took her on vacations, and lived a good life. We argued sometimes, but nothing that couldn’t be worked through. But the alcohol was always a constant. It wasn’t that I was mean when drunk; the problem was that I loved the booze more than her. She said she didn’t dump me because of the drinking, but because she felt neglected. She felt that I chose alcohol over her. I’ve been sober now for over a year. I sought help and got sober, but she still broke up with me after that. Even though I’ve changed and worked on myself, she doesn’t want to be with me. She knows I still love her, and I’ve tried to convince her to take me back, but it hasn’t worked. I’ve told her I would get back together in a heartbeat if she was willing, but she’s not. I’m confused because she still wants to talk to me regularly even though she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I’ve never really heard of breakups like this, and I don’t know how to process this situation. Any thoughts or advice? Advice and Support: It sounds like you’re in an incredibly challenging and emotionally complicated situation, and it's understandable to feel confused about her mixed signals. Here are some key points to consider: 1. Understanding Her Feelings: It’s clear that you still love her and want to be with her, but it's also important to recognize and respect where she is emotionally. She says she’s not in love with you anymore, but she still wants to keep talking regularly. This could be because she cares about you on some level and enjoys the connection, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to rekindle the romantic relationship. It's possible that she’s trying to maintain a friendship or a familiar connection with you out of habit or because she genuinely cares about you, but she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to pursue a relationship. Her focus is on her career, and she wants to explore that without the emotional complexity of being in a relationship with you. 2. Acknowledging Your Own Healing Journey: You’ve made an incredible and difficult change by getting sober and seeking help for your alcoholism. That shows significant growth and maturity. However, it’s also important to recognize that even though you’ve worked hard to change, your past behavior and the way it affected the relationship still weighs heavily on her. She might not be able to separate her memories of you as someone who was prioritizing alcohol over her, even though that was part of your past that you’ve worked to overcome. It’s possible that she’s respecting your journey, but it doesn’t automatically erase the emotional toll the relationship took on her. Even with your efforts, she may not feel ready to rebuild the relationship, especially after the breakup. 3. The Role of Communication and Boundaries: While you may still be deeply in love with her and want to be with her, it’s crucial to consider her needs and boundaries as well. She may feel that maintaining contact with you keeps her emotionally tied to a past she’s trying to move away from. If you continue to reach out and express your desire for reconciliation, it might be creating confusion or preventing her from fully moving forward. It may help to have a frank conversation with her about what both of you truly want going forward. Would she be open to a genuine friendship, or would it be healthier for both of you to take a break from communicating? It’s important to set clear boundaries to prevent any emotional confusion, and to allow space for both of you to heal separately. 4. Give Yourself Time and Space to Heal: While you still want to be with her, part of your emotional growth will come from taking space to heal on your own. Focusing on your own personal journey—further developing your career, interests, friendships, and self-growth—will help you build the life you want, regardless of whether or not she’s in it. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship while acknowledging the growth you’ve made. The feelings you have right now are normal, but continuing to fixate on her can keep you stuck emotionally. It’s okay to seek closure for yourself, even if she’s not ready to provide it. 5. Moving Forward: The reality is that while you may still want her, the future of your relationship isn’t in your control. She has made it clear that she doesn’t want to rekindle the relationship, and it’s important to respect her decision. This doesn’t mean you can’t still care about her or wish her well, but it does mean that you have to release the expectation of reconciliation. Focus on your own well-being, continue building your sobriety, and explore new opportunities. You deserve to heal, and you also deserve to find a relationship where both parties are ready to fully commit. Final Thoughts: Breakups are rarely simple, and when they involve complicated feelings and past behaviors, it’s even more difficult. It sounds like you’ve made great strides in your personal growth, but in order for you to heal and move forward, it’s important to create space, both emotionally and physically, from this situation. By doing so, you’ll allow yourself to grow even more and become the best version of yourself, whether that means being with her in the future or finding someone new who is aligned with your journey. 1.4K