Emmet Munroe6 months ago"My (28M) ex-girlfriend (26F) broke up with me just before New Year's Eve. We had been together for 1.5 years, and this was my first relationship. A friend suggested I post here to get some perspective. I moved from California to DC for a new job in 2023 and met her on Coffee Meets Bagel. We really hit it off on our first date, and by our third, I asked her to be exclusive. At the time, I was missing home and thought I might move back to California in 2-3 years, so I tried breaking up with her after the fourth date. I felt terrible about it, though, and apologized. I asked her if she would consider a short-term relationship since I missed California so much, and she agreed. Over the next few months, things were great. I fell in love with her and began to think about staying in DC long-term, even considering a future together. However, around the beginning and middle of 2024, she brought up breaking up a couple of times. I didn’t want to lose her, so I asked for more time to make it work, and she agreed. As time went on, though, it felt like she became more distant. She wouldn’t say 'I love you' when I said it, but she would say 'I miss you' when I said that. I thought everything was going fine, so I asked her if she was happy, and she said yes. But then, last week, she called me and told me she wanted to break up. I was completely blindsided. We met up on Saturday to return some things, and she explained why she wanted to end things. She told me: The relationship had become too comfortable and stagnant. We weren’t challenging each other enough to grow. She never loved me the way I loved her, but she still cherishes our memories. Some of the things I said triggered her, and I often had to apologize. She wasn’t happy with how I approached my work (engineering) and the fact that I had a lot of free time. She wanted someone more driven and impactful, like a doctor. Our differing schedules were a problem—she wakes up early, and I wake up later. She felt like she was waiting for me all the time. We had different values and life goals. She’s not really into intimacy, and while I was willing to be understanding, it created a disconnect. She didn’t like that I drank soda and played video games. Our dates had become repetitive, and we didn’t have a group of friends to hang out with, which made her feel stuck. She said all of this had been building up in her mind, and during the breakup, she was crying—not because she wanted the relationship to end, but because she still cared about me and felt guilty. She also said she would like us to be friends after some space. I’m really sad and regret some things I said. I keep looking at old photos and texts, grieving the loss of this relationship. Do you think the relationship was doomed from the start?" Response: First, I’m sorry you’re going through this—it sounds like it’s been a really tough journey. Breakups are always difficult, but when it’s your first serious relationship, they can feel especially painful. I can tell that you care deeply for her and wanted the best for the relationship. It’s also clear that you’ve been trying to make things work despite some challenges. Regarding your question about whether the relationship was doomed from the start—relationships are complicated, and the dynamics that unfold over time often reveal things that might not have been clear in the beginning. From what you've shared, it seems like both of you were genuinely trying to make the relationship work, but there were a number of underlying issues that built up over time. Here are some key points to consider: Initial Connection vs. Long-Term Compatibility: You mentioned how well you clicked at the start, and it seems like you both enjoyed each other’s company and thought the relationship had potential. But as time passed, the challenges became more apparent—such as differing values, life goals, and lifestyle habits. Sometimes, even when there’s a strong initial connection, those deeper incompatibilities can create friction that’s hard to overcome long-term. Different Expectations and Needs: She mentioned feeling like the relationship had become too comfortable and stagnant. Relationships require growth and challenge, and it seems like, over time, you both may have fallen into routines that weren’t fulfilling. She expressed needing someone with more drive and ambition, while you seemed to be more content with your current situation. It’s possible that those differing needs and desires led to the disconnect, even if you were both committed at first. Emotional Disconnect: The emotional distance that developed, like her inability to say "I love you" back, is another sign that things were drifting. When one person isn’t emotionally on the same page, it can create a significant divide, even if everything else appears fine on the surface. Intimacy is a key component of a relationship, and if that was missing, it could have been a major factor in her decision to break up. Regret and Reflection: It’s normal to feel regret and wish you could go back in time to say or do things differently. However, sometimes relationships end because both partners are not fully aligned in their needs and wants. While self-reflection is important, it’s also essential to recognize that both of you contributed to the relationship’s dynamics, and sometimes, despite our best efforts, things don’t work out. Healing and Moving Forward: While it’s painful now, it’s important to give yourself time to grieve and heal. Take the space you need to process this breakup and allow yourself to reflect on what you’ve learned from the relationship. Use this as an opportunity to grow as an individual, and when you're ready, you’ll be better equipped for future relationships. As for whether the relationship was doomed from the start—it doesn’t sound like it. There were definitely moments of connection and love. But it seems like, over time, differences that weren’t addressed came to the surface, and ultimately, you both found that you were on different paths. It’s not necessarily a failure, but rather an indication that sometimes people grow apart, and that’s part of life. I hope this perspective helps you in some way. Take care of yourself during this time, and know that healing takes time. If you need further support or advice, feel free to reach out. 1.4K
Emmet MunroeEmmet Munroe