Shana Mysie

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My girlfriend (34F) and I (37M) have been together for over a year now, and I've noticed that we both deal with stress, but in very different ways. While this doesn't necessarily create tension in our relationship, the way she handles stress and the things she stresses about is starting to cause me more anxiety than I'm used to. Early in my adult life, I learned how to avoid stressing over things I can't control, and it's really helped me keep my life more manageable. For example, I had gastric bypass surgery in 2018, and I wasn’t worried about it at all. Even when friends, family, and hospital staff asked me if I was scared, I just said no. A year later, I had complications with my gallbladder, which is common after this surgery, and again, I wasn’t worried at all. I’ve worked hard to develop this mindset of avoiding unnecessary stress. However, my girlfriend is the complete opposite. She stresses about everything, both big and small. She's very vocal about it, while I tend to internalize my stress and try to work through it logically. If I don’t have a reasonable solution to a problem, it just makes me more stressed. My usual response, "we’ll figure it out when we get to it," doesn't sit well with her and only adds to the tension. As a result, I tend to shut down and let her vent, because I know she needs to express her feelings. While this hasn't put a strain on our relationship yet, her stress is definitely affecting mine, and it’s starting to feel overwhelming. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, and I’m struggling with how to manage both my own stress and the additional anxiety caused by her stress. I’m looking for advice on how to handle this. Answer/Advice: It's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed by the differences in how you and your girlfriend handle stress, especially when both of you are dealing with mental health challenges. Here are some strategies to help manage the situation: Set Boundaries for Stress Management: It's essential to communicate your need for space when her stress is escalating, especially if it impacts your own mental health. Explain to her that while you understand her need to vent, you also need moments to process things calmly without getting overwhelmed. You could try something like, "I know you need to talk about what's bothering you, but when it’s a lot all at once, it really affects my own anxiety. Let’s find a way to balance this." Practice Stress-Relief Techniques Together: Since stress seems to be an ongoing issue for both of you, you might find it helpful to engage in stress-relief practices together. Whether it's deep breathing exercises, mindfulness, meditation, or yoga, incorporating these practices into your routine could help both of you manage your stress in a healthier way. This might also provide a way to bond and support each other without getting overwhelmed by the stress. Acknowledge Differences in Coping Mechanisms: You and your girlfriend clearly have very different coping mechanisms, but that’s okay. You might not be able to change how she processes stress, but you can acknowledge her needs while also taking care of your own. Sometimes, just validating her feelings without feeling the need to fix everything can go a long way in reducing tension. For example, instead of offering solutions, try simply saying, “I understand that you’re upset about this. Let’s work through it together when you’re ready.” Seek Professional Help (Together or Separately): Since both of you are dealing with mental health challenges, it may be helpful to seek professional guidance. Therapy, either individually or as a couple, could help you better understand each other’s emotional needs and improve your ability to communicate during stressful times. It could also provide you with strategies to handle stress in a way that doesn’t exacerbate your own mental health struggles. Find Time to Recharge Individually: Given that you tend to internalize stress and shut down, it's important to set aside time for yourself to recharge. Whether it’s through hobbies, exercise, or simply taking a break from the situation, make sure you're prioritizing your own mental well-being. Let your girlfriend know that you need this space to reset so that you can be a more supportive partner in the long run. Reassure Each Other: It sounds like you both care deeply about each other, but the stress is starting to cloud that connection. It’s important to reassure each other about your commitment to working through the challenges. Remind her that you're on the same team and that while you may handle stress differently, you're both in this together. Remember, it’s okay to have different coping mechanisms, but it’s also important to find a way to support each other without causing additional stress. By communicating openly and finding strategies to manage stress, you can strengthen your relationship and maintain your mental well-being.