I can understand why you might feel conflicted. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot, and it’s understandable that those experiences would shape how you view love and relationships. It’s common for people who have experienced trauma to struggle with trust, intimacy, and the fear of getting close to others.

Here are a few thoughts that might help you navigate your feelings:

1. Acknowledge the Healing Process: It’s okay to acknowledge that healing is an ongoing journey. PTSD and trauma from abusive relationships can have long-lasting effects, and it’s important to give yourself grace as you continue to heal. Even though you feel like you might be “okay now,” some of the emotional scars may still affect you, and that’s completely normal. It’s okay to take your time and work through those feelings at your own pace.
2. Love is Complex: You’re right that love is complex. It’s not always this grand, perfect thing, and it can be challenging. But love isn’t just about finding someone who’s perfect; it’s about creating a connection with someone who respects and supports you through your growth. It’s okay to redefine what love means to you, based on your own experiences and what feels right for you.
3. Fear of Intimacy: You’re not alone in being scared of connection. Trauma can create a fear of intimacy, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to overcome. It might take time, and that’s okay. When you’re ready, you can explore relationships at your own pace. There’s no rush to meet a specific timeline, and it’s important to only move forward when you feel emotionally prepared.
4. Focus on Self-Love and Boundaries: Sometimes, the journey to being open to loving someone else begins with fostering self-love and understanding. Setting healthy boundaries and recognizing your worth are essential steps in creating a solid foundation for any future relationships. Taking care of your emotional health and trusting yourself can make future connections feel less intimidating.
5. Respect Your Own Pace: It’s okay if you haven’t found a connection yet or if you’re feeling hesitant about relationships. Relationships should never feel forced. There’s no wrong time to begin exploring your feelings or relationships when you’re ready, and you don’t need to rush into anything just because of societal expectations. It’s your journey, and you can move forward when it feels right for you.

Remember, your experiences and feelings are valid, and there’s no “right” way to approach love. It’s okay to feel conflicted about it, and it’s okay to take time for yourself before stepping into a new relationship. You deserve a connection that honors your healing process and emotional needs.