My(38M) wife (35F) lost a lot of weight to gain the attention of her work crush. How do I move forward? CONCLUDED I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAcrushedhusbnd My(38M) wife (35F) lost a lot of weight to gain the attention of her work crush. How do I move forward? Originally posted to r/relationship_advice TRIGGER WARNING: emotional infidelity Original Post Dec 9, 2024 After we had our kids my wife gained a lot of weight, like 80 pounds. And honestly I was fine with it. I thought she was still hot and my desire for intimacy never waned. So for a while she was fine with her weight too. Fast forward a five years and all of a sudden my wife gets really into fitness and nutrition. She buys a peloton, goes on a strict diet and loses all the weight and then some. She looks like she did when I met her in her early 20s. She looks great but like I said I thought she looked great heavy too. Then one day last week she comes home from work and I can tell something is really bothering her. I ask what’s wrong but she’s just evasive and distant. This lasts a few days before she finally breaks. She tells me that the reason she was so determined to lose weight was because she wanted attention from the guy at work she has a crush on. She said that all the women have a crush on this guy and she just wanted his attention. Well apparently she got too much of it on the day she came home so upset. He had apparently been flirting with my wife for a few weeks and that day he asked her if she wanted to have dinner with him after work at a restaurant that just so happens to be in a hotel. He heavily implied that they could get a room afterward or even skip the restaurant and just get room service. She tells me that to this point it was all just fantasy in her head but now it was real and she snapped out of it. She realized that she’d gone way too far. She declined his invitation of course and felt she needed to confess what she’d done to me. I was crushed and still am. First, I’m actually upset she told me. I know this is some form of cheating but I didn’t suspect anything. She could have just kept this to herself and not pass her burden onto me. So the thought comes to my mind that maybe she wants me to dump her so she can be with this guy and that’s why she is telling me. So I ask her that and she breaks down crying. That’s not what she wants, she says she loves me and just wanted to be honest with me and apologize. Nothing physical happened, I’m pretty sure of it. I can track her phone and also have pretty free access to it. She never hides it, leaves it everywhere and that phone never leaves work. I suppose she could be cheating on her lunch break and leave the phone but I just don’t think she’d leave the phone and not be available for the kids. So I don’t think I want to divorce, I love her and we have kids. But it’s just eating at me that she did all the work she did to be attractive for another man. I don’t know where to go or even what to ask of her. I just need some advice.

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My(38M) wife (35F) lost a lot of weight to gain the attention of her work crush. How do I move forward? CONCLUDED I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAcrushedhusbnd My(38M) wife (35F) lost a lot of weight to gain the attention of her work crush. How do I move forward? Originally posted to r/relationship_advice TRIGGER WARNING: emotional infidelity Original Post Dec 9, 2024 After we had our kids my wife gained a lot of weight, like 80 pounds. And honestly I was fine with it. I thought she was still hot and my desire for intimacy never waned. So for a while she was fine with her weight too. Fast forward a five years and all of a sudden my wife gets really into fitness and nutrition. She buys a peloton, goes on a strict diet and loses all the weight and then some. She looks like she did when I met her in her early 20s. She looks great but like I said I thought she looked great heavy too. Then one day last week she comes home from work and I can tell something is really bothering her. I ask what’s wrong but she’s just evasive and distant. This lasts a few days before she finally breaks. She tells me that the reason she was so determined to lose weight was because she wanted attention from the guy at work she has a crush on. She said that all the women have a crush on this guy and she just wanted his attention. Well apparently she got too much of it on the day she came home so upset. He had apparently been flirting with my wife for a few weeks and that day he asked her if she wanted to have dinner with him after work at a restaurant that just so happens to be in a hotel. He heavily implied that they could get a room afterward or even skip the restaurant and just get room service. She tells me that to this point it was all just fantasy in her head but now it was real and she snapped out of it. She realized that she’d gone way too far. She declined his invitation of course and felt she needed to confess what she’d done to me. I was crushed and still am. First, I’m actually upset she told me. I know this is some form of cheating but I didn’t suspect anything. She could have just kept this to herself and not pass her burden onto me. So the thought comes to my mind that maybe she wants me to dump her so she can be with this guy and that’s why she is telling me. So I ask her that and she breaks down crying. That’s not what she wants, she says she loves me and just wanted to be honest with me and apologize. Nothing physical happened, I’m pretty sure of it. I can track her phone and also have pretty free access to it. She never hides it, leaves it everywhere and that phone never leaves work. I suppose she could be cheating on her lunch break and leave the phone but I just don’t think she’d leave the phone and not be available for the kids. So I don’t think I want to divorce, I love her and we have kids. But it’s just eating at me that she did all the work she did to be attractive for another man. I don’t know where to go or even what to ask of her. I just need some advice.

a year ago

655

First and foremost, it’s important to acknowledge the emotional turmoil you’re experiencing. Your feelings of betrayal and confusion are completely valid given the circumstances. Here are some steps and considerations that may help you navigate this challenging situation.

1. Open Communication

Establish a safe space for open dialogue with your wife. It’s crucial to express your feelings without placing blame. You might say something like:

“I feel hurt and confused about your motivations for losing weight. Can we talk about how we can both feel valued in our relationship?”

This approach encourages her to share her thoughts and feelings without becoming defensive.

2. Understand Her Perspective

Try to understand the reasons behind her actions. Weight loss and fitness can sometimes be tied to personal insecurities or societal pressures. Ask her what motivated her to seek attention from another man, and what she hopes to achieve in her own life. This might give you insight into her state of mind and help you both understand each other better.

3. Reassess Your Relationship

Discuss your relationship’s dynamics. Consider asking:

“How can we both ensure that we feel attractive and loved in our relationship?”

Discussing your needs and desires can help bridge the emotional gap that may have developed. It’s essential to explore whether there are underlying issues in your relationship that need addressing.

4. Set Boundaries

Given the situation, it may be beneficial to establish clear boundaries regarding interactions with coworkers, especially those who may pose an emotional threat. This isn’t about control but about ensuring both partners feel secure. You might suggest:

“Let’s agree on some boundaries regarding friendships with colleagues. It’s important for us to feel safe and secure in our marriage.”

5. Seek Professional Help

If the conversation feels overwhelming or unproductive, consider couples therapy. A therapist can facilitate discussions and help you both navigate your feelings in a constructive manner. Therapy provides a neutral ground where both partners can express their feelings without judgment.

6. Focus on Rebuilding Trust

Trust is vital in any relationship, and it may take time to rebuild it after this revelation. Engage in activities that strengthen your bond, such as:

Going on regular date nights
Engaging in shared hobbies or interests
Spending quality time with your children as a family

These activities can help reinforce your connection and remind both of you of the love and commitment you share.

7. Reflect on Your Own Feelings

Lastly, take some time for self-reflection. Consider journaling your thoughts and feelings to clarify what you want moving forward. Ask yourself:

“What do I need to feel secure and loved in this relationship?”

Understanding your own needs will help you communicate them to your wife effectively.

Conclusion

Moving forward after such a revelation is undoubtedly challenging, but it can also be an opportunity for growth in your relationship. By fostering open communication, understanding each other’s perspectives, and actively working on rebuilding trust, you and your wife can navigate this situation together. Remember, it’s a process that takes time and patience, so be gentle with yourselves as you work through these feelings.

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